Whatever problems "the ex" flame had caused in my deeply insecure heart -by the first of May we were over them. Not that we talked about them. Lord forbid Cody get the impression I was insecure, jealous or "needy". I just saw enough evidence that settled the quaking ground beneath my feet. Little by little I was learning to trust. Though this would be an on going struggle- me and trust- that is. But I'd been raised to look to my creator for help. I'd realized I had put my relationship with Cody above my relationship with God- I had an idol. And that's what happens when you depend on earthy things and look to people to satisfy you- they fall short and you're left on shifting sand.
Graduation was nearing and I was getting a little emotional.
I am a third child. Not the oldest, not the youngest.
This has disadvantages- less baby pictures, new clothes are rare, forget about a new car at 16, less involved parental activity (that one could be an advantage).
And then there are the advantages- less discipline (from 2 ways-they are tired of spanking children by this point and you learn from watching the others get disciplined resulting in less need for it), everyone raises you, you have an account of your unrememberable childhood from your older siblings, you have a pretty laid back personality because there's less pressure on you and less emotion when you do things (my parents had graduated 2 kids before).
So it wasn't bawling hysterically emotion.It was more ....resign, an unavoidable change, melancholy. My mom and I both felt it. My Dad- who knows, I was trying to read Cody's mind not dad's. I was not good at either.
Mother's day came and went with special events and gifts that year. But my mom was my mom and I hadn't had children yet so I had no appreciation really. And my mother still flickered the lights on the porch when she thought we'd "said goodbye" long enough. We could really drag it out. We had much to talk (cough, kiss) about.
Before graduation there would be several lasts. Many activities, MANY activities. One was my last show choir performance. I am writing in 201o and have heard no less than 10 reviews for the new show, Glee in just the last week. This show is based on a show choir. I can't believe I haven't watched it. I will put that on my to do list.
Show Choir may have singlehandedly kept me in school. Not that anyone would've let me quit but I sure would've wanted to had I not made show choir.
We moved from Raleigh, NC. The high school my brothers graduated from (Millbrook) graduated 500 kids every year. And there no less than 10 high schools all over the city. You were a number. When I moved to Duncan everyone knew everyone, they'd gone to school together FOREVER. When I'd go to school each fall I'd be lucky to know one person from a previous year. I am in no way complaining, I never stayed in one school longer than 3 years and I am very thankful for each experience. I am very glad I got to be in a large school system and in several elementary schools and East Millbrook Middle School (please comment if you know of EMMS it will make my day!) We even homeschooled 3 years.
Duncan was different not just because they all new each other but because they had high school sororities called "clubs" . They rush after your freshman year. Guess when I started school- middle of my sophomore year. It was not only different but it was over, I'd missed it.
I had a decision to make when I went back to public school- what elective to take. I had started out in band in middle school and had continued playing the clarinet. There was softball, track, art, home ec and of course ag. I had no idea what "ag" was. None. Those people coming from "ag" were very mysterious to me. I almost signed up just to see what that was about. I had honestly never heard of agriculture as an elective, sport, or interest. People farm? Today? Excuse my ignorant city mind. My mother and father grew up on NC tobacco/cotten farms but I was not. I went to piano and voice lessons. My good friend Mandy was in choir so I chose choir. Plain and simple. Same reason I chose band in 6th grade- my friend Becky did and I wanted in.
So after a semester at Duncan High School I was really ready to quit, send me home. Mr. Zinn held auditions for show choir. All I knew was they sang, danced and wore purple dresses. And everyone looked up to them. Reflections was the choir to make in the vocal department. I tried out, why not? Mandy was in there. I remember Mr. Zinn, God rest that good man's soul, bringing me and 2 other girls in to a practice room. I didn't know what was going on but I think he had 2 spots, 3 girls and a big decision to make. But when the list came up by the end of the week I was on it. God knew how much I needed it even when I didn't.
Show Choir was fun, 2 of my favorite things -singing and dance (but you remembered that didn't you :) Show Choir was a place where I belonged. I had a purpose there, I had an identity. I loved all those people and we had so much fun. We even got new red dresses that year!! We traveled to Winter Park, Co and had outings around Duncan and contests. We had this amazing song we sang each time we performed, "May all our alleluias, when spoken and heard be heart felt praise...." Belonging. It's so needed in teenagers life.
I couldn't wait for Cody to see what all we did. We were working on R-E-S-P-E-C-T. and making sequence dresses. I had a solo. There was the senior slide show, awards, and "Just put some love in your heart" . Not to mention it was the end, my last one (I hadn't decided to study music in college).And Cody refused to go. He couldn't stand musicals nor show choir and told me he would not be attending.
What the ?????????
This meant the world to me and he didn't want to come. To say I was heart broken was an understatement. Every one I loved loved music, loved the arts and would have definitely been there. At the spring concert my junior year I had three guys there to see me. True story.
I had dated a band guy from Duncan once or twice after getting together at my junior prom and I also had met a freshman at OU (music major) through a mutual friend and we'd also dated once or twice. They both came that night. Then my ex-boyfriend (the one Joe reprimanded me on) showed up too. He missed me, he really could care less about music:) And after the show , there on the steps of Duncan Auditorium at one point all three were there-around me-at once. Boy was it a little awkward. None of them knew each other or the dates I'd had with all of them.
And this guy who I was willing to ditch previous college plans and my senior prom for didn't want to come to my last musical performance. While I'd like to say he had to work, he didn't. He just didn't like show choir (gasp). This was a deal breaker. How could I spend the rest of my life with a man who missed my last show choir performance? Of course I didn't say anything. I was trying to outdo the old flame who'd been coming around. I just went and sang my heart out and even was presented with this......
And my new best friend wasn't there to see me.