Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The story of us: doubt

It was the most wonderful time of the year- Christmas. We had snow, we had my older brothers home and I had a ring on my finger. I was beaming. 

Chris and I had gone to Oklahoma city and were eating lunch downtown at the Spaghetti Warehouse when he brought it up. He hadn’t been around much since he lived in VA. I had plans to move out there a year ago. He probably felt the loss more than I did. I was content with the Saudi Arbians at USAO and figured I’d stay now. 
“So you are getting married”
no questions, no tears, no warnings
“Yup” I was curious as to what he’d say- I had ALWAYS looked up to Chris, if I needed to be talked out of something I would’ve listened to him. 
“Better to marry than to BURN with passion”  He grew up with Johnny the philosopher too, ( and the Bible too I guess :)
And that was about it, he and Jon would be asked to be ushers. They’d be there, and they’d leave before the reception to go see a rangers game in Texas. Boys.
Or maybe the hurt of Chris’ fiance leaving him was too much to take. It should’ve been his wedding we were planning. She walked out on all of us. Would Chris give it another shot- risk it all again or was the wound too deep? 
No one at school was surprised. Three other friends were newly engaged too over the break. We’d all end up getting married three weekends in a row. The summer of weddings.
I needed a dress. I needed ideas. I needed a cake. I needed bridesmaids, ( to protect the not so innocent I’ll keep that turmoil to my self).
Cody and I were in the city one day up by Penn Square Mall and dropped by a little wedding boutique.  Just to see what the store was. 
Within minutes I was in a dressing room trying on dresses. The princess puffy sleeves dress. In my size, on sale- I bought it and yes Cody saw it that day. 14 years later, I am glad to report nothing bad happened because of it, either.
Dress check.Date-check. Family knowing-check. No one trying to talk me out of this-check.
That was just how they rolled. You make your own bed, be prepared to sleep in it. So it was my choice. And I constantly doubted it. Was all this doubt good? Was it normal?
I just didn’t want to do the wrong thing. So I stayed close to God, read the Bible and prayed like crazy....willing to call it off it wasn’t God’s best for me. 

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